That's No Burger -- It's a Mushroom (burger)
I have a VIVID childhood memory of stopping somewhere between my grandparents' home in West Virginia and my home in Ohio to eat lunch at a Burger King that had a wall painted dark blue with stars and moons on it and a white quarter-fed pony ride indoors, near that wall. I don't know if it's real or if I dreamt it, but I suspect the former because I also have a distinct memory of eating a burger there that was burnt and dry and just really not all that great, and you'd not think that would feature in a dream about a magical Burger King. Or at least I wouldn't.
Anyway, that's kind of where I feel my relationship to burgers started, and started going downhill. I'm just not really a fan of the things, for all that I get a bee in my bonnet every few years and decide I want to make them. I've posted turkey burgers, blue cheese turkey burgers, and chickpea burgers over the last decade, and where the latter two in that list are legitimately good, they're not really burgers in the sense of oozing dripping patty of greasy meat slapped on a bun. And that's fine, really -- I don't like burgers, after all.
Well that's all changed, now, thanks to this recipe. It's based entirely on this delightful recipe, and really I'm only uploading it here because a) I need to reduce it to make just two servings at a time, b) I'm writing up instructions for pan-frying the burgers because I lack a grill, c) also the instructions for the onions because holy crap did the onions turn out, and finally d) the ingredients are out of order that drives me peanut butter banana sandwiches why do people do that. My meat-eating, burger-loving partner adored this creation and started meowing at me straight away to make it again, and if that isn't just the best evaluation of a meal, then I don't know what is.
I'm excited to make this with some Tusken Raider Fries and serve it the next time we have guests from overseas. American food done our way, showing off just how good American food can be.
(Title from one of the best lines in a Star Wars movie ever. I ain't even sorry.)
Ingredients
1 oz (1/8th cup) balsamic vinegar
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried oregano
2 cloves' garlic, minced
Several shakes' black pepper
Scant 1/4 tsp salt (I used coarse)
2 big portabella mushroom caps (or 1/2 cup sliced baby portabellas -- instructions follow for each)
A bit more olive oil for cooking
1/2 onion, sliced into 1/4" slices
Cheese of your choosing -- Swiss and provolone are excellent here
Other toppings: I go for tomato and spicy mustard for mine and it's faaaaabulous
Instructions
- In a dish with a lid, combine the vinegar, oil, basil, oregano, garlic, pepper, and salt.
- Remove the stem from your mushroom caps and rinse them, then pat them dry.
- Place the caps stem-side down in the marinade and press gently so that the cap sucks up marinade into the feathery underside of the mushroom.
- Flip the mushroom cap over and rub it around in the marinade to flavor that side.
- Lid that mess and put it in the 'fridge for at least half an hour. I left mine in there for like 3 hours and man alive were those 'shrooms tasty when I finally got around to cooking them.
If you're going to make Tusken Raider Fries, now is a good time to start those. They take like 5 minutes to prepare and cook for 45-50 minutes, so that'll give your burgers a good 40ish minutes to marinate, at very least.
When you're ready to cook your caps:
- Slice up your onion and set it aside.
- Pour a bit of olive oil into a pan, just enough to slick the bottom. Maybe 1 Tbsp for a big pan.
- Heat it over medium-high heat. This was like 7 on my stove.
- When the pan's heated, put the mushrooms in cap-side down (so curving UP).
- Pour whatever's left of your marinade into the caps. Trust me, this is awesome.
- Set a 5-minute timer.
- Using a spatula, press the burgers gently at the 2 and a half minute mark. They should be softened enough at this point that this won't make them split. Stir your onions around a bit at this point, too, flipping them if you can.
This is a good time to start toasting your buns.
- Flip the burgers at the 5-minute mark and set a new 5-minute timer. The excess marinade will leak out into the pan and flavor the daylights out of your onions. You're welcome.
This is a good time to start smearing mustard onto your bread.
- Press the burgers down again at the 2 and a half minute mark. It'll make a cool hissing noise.
- Put two slices of cheese on each burger at the 1 minute mark.
- Serve directly onto the buns and layer up with onions and other delights (like tomato, mmm).
Now, if you're like me and you don't always have giant mushroom caps lying around wanting to be cooked, but you do have sliced little mushrooms lying around wanting to be cooked, then you can adapt this recipe for them! Same marinade, same everything, 'cept the cooking is a tad different.
Changes are:
- Coarse-chop your onions and marinate them with the mushrooms.
- Cook for 2 minutes before turning the mushrooms, then another 2 minutes. Before the final two minutes, add the cheese, and be ready to just mix all that crap together like a crazy person trying not to burn the cheese.
- Divide the cheesy mushroom-y mess into two "patties" and slap them onto your bread. It's going to be a mess and you will damn well glory in that mess won't you.
Both recipes go unfairly well with a beer. And now my stomach's growling so I'm going to go make some mushrooms. True story.
Anyway, that's kind of where I feel my relationship to burgers started, and started going downhill. I'm just not really a fan of the things, for all that I get a bee in my bonnet every few years and decide I want to make them. I've posted turkey burgers, blue cheese turkey burgers, and chickpea burgers over the last decade, and where the latter two in that list are legitimately good, they're not really burgers in the sense of oozing dripping patty of greasy meat slapped on a bun. And that's fine, really -- I don't like burgers, after all.
Well that's all changed, now, thanks to this recipe. It's based entirely on this delightful recipe, and really I'm only uploading it here because a) I need to reduce it to make just two servings at a time, b) I'm writing up instructions for pan-frying the burgers because I lack a grill, c) also the instructions for the onions because holy crap did the onions turn out, and finally d) the ingredients are out of order that drives me peanut butter banana sandwiches why do people do that. My meat-eating, burger-loving partner adored this creation and started meowing at me straight away to make it again, and if that isn't just the best evaluation of a meal, then I don't know what is.
I'm excited to make this with some Tusken Raider Fries and serve it the next time we have guests from overseas. American food done our way, showing off just how good American food can be.
(Title from one of the best lines in a Star Wars movie ever. I ain't even sorry.)
That's No Burger -- It's a Mushroom (burger)
1 oz (1/8th cup) balsamic vinegar
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried oregano
2 cloves' garlic, minced
Several shakes' black pepper
Scant 1/4 tsp salt (I used coarse)
2 big portabella mushroom caps (or 1/2 cup sliced baby portabellas -- instructions follow for each)
A bit more olive oil for cooking
Cheese of your choosing -- Swiss and provolone are excellent here
Other toppings: I go for tomato and spicy mustard for mine and it's faaaaabulous
Instructions
- In a dish with a lid, combine the vinegar, oil, basil, oregano, garlic, pepper, and salt.
- Remove the stem from your mushroom caps and rinse them, then pat them dry.
- Place the caps stem-side down in the marinade and press gently so that the cap sucks up marinade into the feathery underside of the mushroom.
- Flip the mushroom cap over and rub it around in the marinade to flavor that side.
- Lid that mess and put it in the 'fridge for at least half an hour. I left mine in there for like 3 hours and man alive were those 'shrooms tasty when I finally got around to cooking them.
If you're going to make Tusken Raider Fries, now is a good time to start those. They take like 5 minutes to prepare and cook for 45-50 minutes, so that'll give your burgers a good 40ish minutes to marinate, at very least.
When you're ready to cook your caps:
- Slice up your onion and set it aside.
- Pour a bit of olive oil into a pan, just enough to slick the bottom. Maybe 1 Tbsp for a big pan.
- Heat it over medium-high heat. This was like 7 on my stove.
- When the pan's heated, put the mushrooms in cap-side down (so curving UP).
- Pour whatever's left of your marinade into the caps. Trust me, this is awesome.
- Set a 5-minute timer.
- Using a spatula, press the burgers gently at the 2 and a half minute mark. They should be softened enough at this point that this won't make them split. Stir your onions around a bit at this point, too, flipping them if you can.
This is a good time to start toasting your buns.
- Flip the burgers at the 5-minute mark and set a new 5-minute timer. The excess marinade will leak out into the pan and flavor the daylights out of your onions. You're welcome.
This is a good time to start smearing mustard onto your bread.
- Press the burgers down again at the 2 and a half minute mark. It'll make a cool hissing noise.
- Put two slices of cheese on each burger at the 1 minute mark.
- Serve directly onto the buns and layer up with onions and other delights (like tomato, mmm).
Now, if you're like me and you don't always have giant mushroom caps lying around wanting to be cooked, but you do have sliced little mushrooms lying around wanting to be cooked, then you can adapt this recipe for them! Same marinade, same everything, 'cept the cooking is a tad different.
Changes are:
- Coarse-chop your onions and marinate them with the mushrooms.
- Cook for 2 minutes before turning the mushrooms, then another 2 minutes. Before the final two minutes, add the cheese, and be ready to just mix all that crap together like a crazy person trying not to burn the cheese.
- Divide the cheesy mushroom-y mess into two "patties" and slap them onto your bread. It's going to be a mess and you will damn well glory in that mess won't you.
Both recipes go unfairly well with a beer. And now my stomach's growling so I'm going to go make some mushrooms. True story.
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